Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Absence of starlight

The plan was to just leave. Just leave and let Raven clean up the mess I am leaving behind here.

Around dinnertime, though, I started feeling guilty. Would Daddy be upset that I left without saying good bye? What about work; would my clients be okay with me? And what about Hannah?

With the exception of Raven and Hannah, the rest of the coven could explode in a puff of smoke and quite honestly it wouldn't make any difference to me. We've been drifting--or, they have--for a while now. The only people there who still care about me are Raven and Hannah.

I tried a few times to reach her on her cell, and texted her, but eventually I was forced to leave a good-bye message on her voicemail. That felt shitty and low, even for me. Ever since the ritual, ever since all this shit started happening, I've wanted to reach out to Hannah, but something keeps me from her. I can't explain it. It's almost like two north poles of a magnet. We repel.

I thought about calling Heather, too, but whatever giddiness and lust I used to feel for her has completely vanished. I can't even remember what attracted me to her in the first place. I can't say the thought of her is revolting, not anything like that, it's just . . . I'm just apathetic.

That makes me feel shitty, and scared, and lonely. Christ, I feel lonely. I could just drive into the night and into the dark and into the void and just keep going and never come out the other side. Just drift away.

It's about a quarter to nine. I've packed the few things I'm bringing with me. Raven is going to take care of everything else. I don't know what I'd do without her. I'm sitting on the stoop, stealing wifi from Mr. Baxter, and I'm wondering how the hell this all happened. What the fuck did I do to deserve any of this? How did I end up mentally ill and friendless, and about to leave everything I know and love to go stay with a bunch of strangers in the middle of the goddamned desert?

I'm supposed to leave tonight, but I think the road can wait til morning. The sky is clear and dotted with stars. I hope there's not too much ambient light in Joshua Tree to see the stars. That's what I fear most about California. The absence of starlight.

No comments: