Memories of Daddy

I love being in the office before anyone gets here.

I love working out here, in the mountains. All right, you West Coasters are laughing at me, but to my born and bred Texan ass, these are mountains. It's green and peaceful and removed from the hustle and bustle of the rest of the city.

There's a creek that flows right behind the office. Sometimes, if it's light out and I'm feeling invincible, I'll go down to the water in the morning, take off my shoes, and just stand in the water. I throw my head back, close my eyes, and just stand in the water, letting myself be reborn in the quiet.

I have a busy day today. I think I'm seeing three families today, which is unusual. Usually I see at most two families, and a handful of widows and children. I don't get that many men, primarily because Audra (that's boss-woman) says I don't work well with men.

I don't think that's true. I just think that Audra assumes I don't work well with men because I'm a lesbian. But what she doesn't know is that my sun rises and sets upon my father, and I have a younger brother who I adore. They are two of the most compassionate, artful, magical people on the planet, and never could the fact of their penises diminish them in my eyes. They are glorious beings, Dad and Jack. In fact, they're a large part of the reason I became a grief counselor. When Mom died, Dad lost so much of himself. It's a personal goal of mine to help other people get their souls back since I could never seem to help Daddy get his.

Well. I didn't mean to go there. I actually intended to start this as an upbeat post. But I guess that's what happens when you allow yourself to speak what you're really thinking.

Is it too early to be looking forward to the new year?

Rant: Violet

Violet can be such a bitch. (And I would tell her that to her face, so don't anyone get all "don't talk about your coven sister behind her back!" on me).

Hannah and I wrote the Lilith ritual a few weeks ago. Initially we were going to perform it Halloween night, but Raven really wanted to do something with her kids, and October weekends are so hard to schedule with other rituals, Halloween parties, birthdays (mine's coming up on the 26th, hint, hint!) Renaissance Festival, etc.

Anyway, we wrote the ritual with the intention of it being high theatre. The ritual calls for special lighting, fog, and a false tombstone for each participant. That's not such a big deal because we planned to host a tombstone making workshop so folks could make their own tombstones. (I can't imagine trying to make neatly 20 tombstones. Kill me.) Hannah offered to host at her house, and she and her husband were going to prepare food for everyone.

Well, last night Violet decided--that's right, Violet, not Raven--that having everyone design their own tombstones would ruin some of the suspense which is necessary for the ritual. She decided that Hannah and I needed to create all the props ourselves since it was our ritual and we needed to be responsible for it.

Um, excuse me? If it's OUR ritual, why is SHE the one giving orders? I get that she's Raven's handmaiden, but I just that that was tacky. I think Raven could tell that I was about to blow a gasket (Violet and my relationship has been awfully volatile lately anyway) because she volunteered to help Hannah build the tombstones. Hannah didn't seem to mind, but she's ...well, Hannah's like that.

I'm still aggravated about the whole thing. I just want to make it through this ritual and get past Halloween. Then the coven needs to have a sit down about roles and boundaries.

ritual, Heather

Thank God it's Friday.

The girls and I are getting together for a ritual rehearsal tonight. Everybody is feeling a bit sketchy about the Lilith ritual we have coming up: I don't think we've rehearsed the parts enough, and we've invited a couple other covens to come participate with us. The last thing we need is to look like a bunch of amateurs in front of everyone else. Of course, Raven is doing a wonderful job getting everyone mentally prepared for the Drawing Down and for the singing and dancing, but still. There's going to be a lot going on. I don't want anything freaky to happen.

I ran into Heather at HEB last night. We were both in the Halloween section buying candy. I said I was stocking up for trick-or-treaters but I think she knew I was lying. Hee hee. Gods, she makes my heart flutter. I know I should ask her out, but I just feel like she's so out of my league. She dates musicians and actresses (er, excuse me "actors"). I guess I just can't see her on my level, in my mundane, completely un-hip world. But stranger things have happened.

Not much else going on. Thinking about renting a movie tonight. I could use a nice distraction. Oh, shoot. Can't, ritual tonight. Well, tomorrow night, then.

Grief counseling: Alice

We're on one of our mobile tours, and I went to an elementary school today to see a little girl for grief counseling.

That's not odd itself; I do quite a bit of counseling with children. But this was the first time I've ever counseled someone who was grieving something that hadn't happened yet and might not happen.

We'll call her Alice.

Her teacher brought her in, and you could see the grief all over her face. My heart immediately went out to her. She just looked wan and hollow, the way kids do when they've lost everything. So I was both relieved and confused when Alice started talking.

"My brother went to Iraq," she said. She was looking out the window. She didn't say anything else.

"Do you miss your brother very much?" I asked her.

Her gaze never flickered. "He's still alive now but in about a month he'll be dead. He's going to kill himself. I'm never going to see my brother again."

Wow. Talk about a blow. I've been in counseling for a long time and I've never had to deal with anything like that before. I wasn't sure what to say. Part of me wanted to call Audra in for a consult. I was that stumped.

But then she looked at me, and something in her cold, blue eyes stopped me dead. I just stared at her. Then I said, "It's terrible to know that something is coming and not know how to stop it."

She nodded. "But it's worse than that because no one can stop it."

I swear to Goddess, I got goosebumps. It was the weirdest goddamned thing, and I have seen a lot of weird shit. I reached out and took her hand. And then she started crying and the grieving began.